Dedication: For Zak, because he's wonderful and it's been too long since I dedicated something to him.
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I really hate vampires. Vampires, with their fangs, and their silly hair, and their stupid thralls.
I remember back in the good old days, when hating vampires was for more mundane reasons. First, they ate my friends. Second, they romanced my friends with their broodiness. End of story. Give me a twinkie and I'm done for the day.
Things were all fine and dandy until Dracula blew into town. Ooh, he could turn into a *bat*. When the hell did the ability to turn into a flying rodent become such a big turn-on? I could see Willow getting a swoon or two out of him turning into a wolf, because she has a bit of a track-record with guys who do that. But turning into fog? Oh, *excuse me*, I meant to say *MIST*. Anya really got on my case over that one. It's a sad day when your demon-girlfriend starts getting on your case over phrasing, not to mention yelling things like, "Oh, oh, Dracul- uh.. Xander! Yeah, Xander!" at inappropriate moments.
Stupid vampire. And what was with the clothes? I mean, sure, he lived back when you could actually wear that stuff on the street, but can we say 'clinging to the past'? Even Angel eventually discovered the wonders of modern jean technology and gave up that 'poofy shirt' thing.
Don't even get me started on the accent. Vun bat, two bat, ah ah ah!
For once, Riley and Spike are completely on my side. We even set up a Dracula dart-board until the girls found out and made us take it down. So what we do now is grab a few beers and have a good bout of male-bonding over what a 'ponce' Dracula was.
We all have our motives. Spike is hurt that Dracula didn't even remember him as an old nemesis. Riley's fairly pissed that bat-boy put the moves on Buffy. And me? You even need to ask?
Spiders. Beetles. The occasional cricket.
Surprisingly crunchy.
Let me tell you right now, parts of that thrall-thing don't go away. Willow and Tara even tried a de-thralling spell, but no good. The outside world is now my buffet, with bugs of every kind as the main course. Everyone is seriously grossed out, but they've been trying to get over it. I mean, just yesterday they all chipped in and got me a box of chocolate-covered bugs.
I am Xander, King of Cretins, the Zeppo, and Lord of the Flies.
Did I mention how much I hate vampires?